May 31 2011

Advertisements

Food Journal

So, I really need to get serious about this whole fitness thing and start writing down every bite and drink I consume. To that end, I’m going to start posting my food intake here on my blog, so my trainer (yay!) can see it and know what’s going on.

Today’s food –
breakfast – 90 cal granola bar
snack – string cheese
dinner – 3 oz steak, half a baked potato, carrots, two shrimp, three fries
dessert – I caved and had a scoop of chocolate ice cream. 🙂 I’m hormonal, what can I say!
later snack – three Ritz crackers.
drinks – three bottles of water, a glass of Sprite with dinner, and a few drinks of Pepsi this afternoon. Didn’t do so well with the no soda thing this week.

Yesterday’s food – (not broken up into meals, just written down)
2 eggs, 2 pieces toast, 1/4 can of tuna, two Ritz and a string cheese for lunch, spaghetti with noodles for dinner, Greek yogurt with all bran and a protein bar later.

The 25th –
Protein bar for breakfast,tuna and string cheese for lunch, spaghetti with no noodles for dinner

(have no idea what happened to the 24th and 23rd, except I know that one of those nights I had chili cheese fries for dinner.)

the 22nd –
Steak and egg, Greek yogurt with All Bran, chicken with lettuce, tomato, cheese and taco sauce, and an apple with peanut butter.

Sooo…you know what?

First of all, before anyone says anything, yes, I am a totally indecisive and wishy washy person. It takes me a long time to get committed to something. I’m trying to change but right now I’m still just…me.

After I wrote yesterday’s blog I sat up all night talking and thinking and chatting. Mostly I was thinking about what I’d written and why I’d written it. To be frank, I was being a complete baby. Yeah, I’m weak and pathetic…blah blah blah. Aren’t we all? Everyone has weaknesses that can render us weak and pathetic in some way . So I found one more thing that makes me that way. Oh well. This is a chance to get over it. Adjust, grow up, whatever. The point is, I’m not a terrible person, and I’m not going to keep feeling guilty for being angry.

What I really wanted to write yesterday somehow never made it to the page. The truth is I think it is absolute crap to write something and then not finish it. I have never left a story with an unwritten ending, which is why I don’t write anymore. This is a high expectation, I know…what I would do isn’t the same as what someone else can or should do. But seriously, if you can take the time to write the problem out, then take the time write the ending as well. Or just don’t write it at all if you don’t have the guts to finish it!!

ANYWAY – man, why do I talk so much?? All I wanted to say was I being a baby yesterday! I’m mad at my mom and I have a right to that. Feeling guilty for being angry is about as useful as anything else I’ve done lately – which is not useful at all. So, I’m over it. She was wrong for thinking what she thought and not talking to me about it. I was wrong for making it hard to talk to me. I’m sorry you have to see what an emotional basket case I am…although, honestly, I don’t really feel emotional about any of this. It’s more like…just thoughts. Thoughts that are making me sick and need to be gotten rid of somehow…but I promise I will have the guts to come back and finish it.

This is the point.

Things people write….

Ever since I was little and taught myself to read at three years old, I’ve known words are important. They have power. They have meaning. The written word has built countries, forged families, started and ended wars, passed on heritage and the most important tool of all, knowledge. I have always known that lives – my life in particular – revolve around written words. I’m never at a loss for something to say when I can write it. Some of the best and most intense moments of my life have happened using nothing more than typed words.

But until three weeks ago I’d never really thought about how dangerous and harmful words can be. Hadn’t realized the full extent of the damage they can do to a person. And had never realized how utterly and truly weak and pathetic I am.

There have been people…times…hospitals and doctors and words that I heard that have brought me to my knees. That have ruined my entire existence and rebuilt it with a single breath. But there has always been a ‘but’ at the end of them. And that one but means there is hope, a chance. It’s not over as long as there’s a but, you know? If you still have time to fix it, or adapt to it, it’s okay. It’s not that bad.

Three weeks ago I found a letter for which there is no but. There is no second chance to fix it, to talk about it, to get it out in the open and discuss it, because the person who wrote it is dead and buried. Truthfully, even if she was alive I don’t know if I could have fixed this. I had no idea she felt the way she did so how could I have fixed it or helped her? I had no idea…and that’s the part that stabs me, relentlessly, in the dark of night or the brightest part of the day and makes my throat go dry with the absolute doneness of it. There IS no correcting it and no reason to believe I could have.

In thirty years of living I’ve never had a reason to give up hope. My mother walked out on us and left us to deal with the aftermath of a crazy tear in our lives. There was still a reason to get up and hope – I had sisters and a dad to take care of. The ‘love of my life’ slept with everything that moved, was so physically abusive I had to stay inside the house for weeks to hide the bruises, and eventually got to the point where sticking a needle in his arm and threatening to do the same thing to me was the best way to spend a night at home. There was still a reason to hope – he could change, I could leave, the sun would still come up. I have never felt this same feeling of hopelessness with any of the ups and downs in my life. I have never not been able to go back and fix it. I know, in my head, that there are plenty of reasons to still get up and have hope for other things…but at this moment, right now, losing the chance to fix this one thing has kind of kicked my feet out from under me.

Which is why I have had to come face to face with the reality of exactly how weak and pathetic I have been up until now in my life. Everything doesn’t always end up as sunshine and roses, but in my little world, I tend to push and prod and shift things around until that’s exactly how it looks, because I can’t handle the fact that sometimes things just end badly. It’s much easier to blame someone else and move on than it is to own up to what you did and grow from it. I have always had something or someone to blame. Even now, in this case, there is something to blame…she had cancer and was on a lot of drugs that made her think differently than normal, and she was a lot sicker than she wanted us to know. So the things she wrote can’t really be held against her. But…how could she have thought those things if there wasn’t a grain of truth to them? A reason for her to ever have stumbled upon such thoughts? And I, somewhere, somehow, gave her that grain that grew into into that thought. To know I caused my dearest friend pain in any way hurts. A huge, actually physical pain that has come out lately in several different ways, ways that I’ll wear the scars from always…ways that actually only add to the weakness. I want to avoid it at all, at all costs, and I’ve had to realize I can’t do that.

So every day, every step forward from this point out will hurt. I will probably bleed and scar and cry and fall before it’s over. But at least, finally, tonight, I realize what’s been so wrong lately. I can’t ignore the truth anymore, that this last, most horrible time has all been because of words I can’t fix or make her not write. I’m ready to deal with it and figure out what I can learn from it…no matter how it hurts.

What I have spent time doing today…

Yes, I have a huge to do list.

A to do list that I really should be working on. But you know what? Once you put something on a list, it’s no longer a vague, abstract idea of something to do to fill time later. No, the second it goes down on that paper, it becomes a heavy THING. A THING you have to do. And that, my friends, is exactly what I do not feel like doing right now!

What was that? You want to know what I’ve been doing instead? Well, fine. I’ll show you. (And not say a word about how nosy you’re being! lol)

Ready? You sure?

Click on them and they get bigger.

These were all very quick changes that were made for free on a website called Picnik. There are lots of options you can choose from. All of the things I was able to do to my pics were free, yay! I have a few favorite buttons that I just love to use on my pictures.

My favorites in the Create> Effects tab are: Cross Process (my all time fave, or at least my right now fave lol) 1960’s, CinemaScope, Lomo-ish, Vignette, Matte, Sephia and Black and White.

Also in the Create section, you will see a Frames tab. I love rounded edges on my photos so of course I’m thrilled that they have that option for free. There’s also a Polaroid option, a museum matte, a border and a drop shadow you can use.

You can add text (which I showed on my last picture, but the thumbnails may be too tiny for you to tell) as well as doodles, flowers, crazy frames, etc.

What I love about Picnik: It’s user friendly and the free options are pretty good.

What I am not wild about: It feels kind of restrictive. I’ve used other online photo editing sites that feel like you have a lot more freedom to tweak your photos and add more to them. However, their formats were no where near as easy to use, or as quick. I didn’t notice any lagging on Picnic at all, even while it was doing a bunch of things at once, so I was really thrilled with that. It’s down and dirty and fast for editing pics for your blog, which I so appreciate since that’s one area I really need to shape up in!

So this is what I’ve spent valuable time on tonight – editing my pictures for no good reason other than I felt like it. Go play with Picnik and tell me what you think! It’s free and easy, just like all the best things in life. (hehe).

My To-Do List

Today’s gonna be a busy day, if I manage to accomplish even half of the things I want to do I’ll be thrilled. The plan is to post this list and then come back and update it with the time I finished each project, but we’ll see how much blogging time I have left over to actually do that! Without further adieu…

Wednesday, April 27th, 2011 To-Do list

scrub shower Done!  10:10 AM

finish laundry (finally!)

organize closet Done at noon…the next day lol

As much of dd’s schoolwork as is possible

dishes

sweep and mop bathroom and kitchen

clean out and detail my car

organize linen closet (and find some place for extra blankets while I’m at it!) Done! 10:10 AM

vacuum all floors

Make dd’s bed for overnight guests tonight Done at 9 PM

take out ALL trash – including what’s behind my bedroom door! Done, the next afternoon

PUT AWAY CLEAN CLOTHES – just. do. it. Yes, three baskets is a lot.  Suck it up.  Wimp. Done at 6 PM next day

clean and vacuum under couch cushions (and start doing this on a weekly basis!)

make potholders and hot pads

work on gray and yellow quilt  – just do it, get over the block already!

clean out both fridges

upload videos from Shea’s visit Done at 5:3o PM

Move firewire card from old pc to new one

Make lunch and dinner Done

Eat every two hours Fail, but this is an ongoing goal

take pills Done at 9:00 AM

let Sasquatch out and play with her Done at 9:45 AM

take the kids outside (maybe even the park?) Done

quit crying every time I pass a mirror (don’t ask.  Just know it involves my now orange hair) Done at 2 AM – redyed it! yay

cardio – at least an hour!  Quit slacking woman. Didn’t get a full hour but still had fun

study

You thought I was exaggerating about how big of a list it is, right?  Wrong!  So what are YOU doing today?  Hope it’s more fun than what I’m looking at!

I like this advice!

So this is a quick post that may not seem like it has a whole lot to do with my blog content (or the content I’ve been posting over the last year or so, anyway).  But the truth of the matter is I haven’t let go of my dream of selling my handmade items online and at craft fairs around our area.  There hasn’t been a lot of physical progress toward this goal, but I do read and absorb all kinds of information about this subject.

Plus, this link has great advice for anyone who writes anything, not just descriptive product information.  It’s great advice for anyone who is supposed to be a blogger but tends to be rather sporadic with her posts!

Content Makeover: How to Write Product Listings with Personality is what I’m talking about. And I’m being serious – you should read it even if you only ever post on message boards or Facebook or Twitter. We all want to have our own personalities come out where ever we can, and anything we post online anywhere is a great chance to do that.

So, go read it, think about it, play with it, practice it. Don’t be afraid of sounding like yourself or finding your voice…the results will be worth it.

I like to whine, but I do the job.

So as I was laying on the floor covered in sweat and my arms were like limp noodles, I turned my head and caught a glimpse of my husband.  He was sitting on the couch with his feet on the coffee table, watching tv.  I’d just finished my workout and was dripping wet from head to toe, so tired that just the motion of turning my head was almost too much to handle, but when he dropped his gaze from the tv, it went straight to me and he smiled.  He was proud.  Of me, of what I had done.  He even thinks it’s adorable that I’m aggressive when it comes to lifting and I motivate him!

That made it all worth the effort.

Plus, I bought new work out pants today and when I put them on and showed him, he was really amazed with my butt and said it looked great.  Then my sister walked in and goes, “Wow, you’re finally getting a butt, keep going!”  Needless to say, I was a happy camper.

And yeah, I missed a day or two of blogging, but I’ll make up for it with the videos and blogs I’m working on right now.  I promise you’ll be glad you stuck around!

I’m tired

But I feel GREAT!  I just worked out for an hour and then lifted weights for a little while.  Without a spotter (he was already in bed) I don’t do very much…plus I was absolutely starving after that long work out and not enough food today.  But I am so glad I did the work out and now I need a hot shower!

The third item on the 30 Days of Lists is “I am looking forward to…”. So let’s try this one out, shall we?

I am looking forward to…

A long relaxing shower

A good night’s sleep with NO DREAMS (and especially no nightmares!)

Not having to work in the morning (yay!)

Spring break for the kidlet next week…no rushing schoolwork at the last minute

Bridgeport this summer

Getting the carpets shampood

Fitting into smaller clothes and looking good

Learning to dance (someday)

Growing my bangs out again

Finishing the books I’m reading so I can start the new one

Playing with my dog tomorrow

Getting the black book shelf reorganized and dusted

The weekend

Sleeping in

A shower

ETA: And the biggest, greatest thing (now that the hot shower is done lol!) that I’m looking forward to is having my amazingly hot and talented bestie over to shop and cook for me and for us to hang out!!  I just love that girl!

So those are the things I’m looking forward to right now.  Some of them are so important they are mentioned more than once (lol).  What about you?  What are you looking forward to?  Anything so important it deserves a double mention?  If not, why not?  You might want to work harder on that…and then come back here and let us know what you decided to look forward to.

Let’s talk about #2, baby!

Continuing with the 30 days of lists list, we are now on #2 – things I am good at.  I will try as hard as I can to keep it clean and play nice. For those of you who know me, you’ll feel my pain with this…lol!

Things I am good at:

#1. Making fun messes (yes, there really are such things!)

#2. Coming up with great ideas for other people to follow through on

#3. Tanning in the yard when I should be working in the house

#4. Reading, writing and arithmetic sleeping

#5. Messing up when I try to make this smiley: 😀

#6. Scrubbing the floors on my hands and knees.  It’s a very therapeutic position

#5. Always having something funny to say

#6. Asking awkward and inappropriate questions

#7. NOT asking the other hundreds of other awkward and inappropriate questions I’m thinking

#8. My husband will argue to the death about this, but I am very very good at mowing lawns

#9. Ignoring my poor thirsty plants

#10. Creating and living with a beautiful mess in the midst of utter chaos and destruction

#11. Pushing myself beyond my limits to see what else I can do and what new limits I can find

#12. Working out at midnight…or 2 AM…whichever feels better

#13. Saying goodbye but never letting go

#14. Forgetting things is one of those things that I’m especially good at, unless it’s something I want to forget.

#15.  I can’t tell you this one…but trust me, I’m good at it. (Get your mind out of the gutter!  The honest truth is I couldn’t think of one for #15 but didn’t want to stop on an even number. :D)

So there you have it…#15 things I’m good at.

What about you?  What are you good at?  15, 100, or 2, doesn’t matter…we all have something we’re good at.  Spend some time today looking for yours.  Make your list.  Put it in my comments.  Put it on your wall.  Whatever makes ya happy!  Just think about it…you know you wanna.

PS – yes, if you are paying attention, you’ll notice I missed a day.  It wasn’t technically my fault though.  I wrote the post and scheduled it to publish itself after midnight and for some reason it didn’t do it.  But, I am not gonna freak out and feel like a failure…I know I wrote it on the right day, even if no one else does…lol!!