Journal

So for the three (four? idk) years I’ve been blogging here I’ve just kind of thrown everything together in a mish mash – journal blogs in with crafting blogs mixed with a few thoughts on fitness and food. This is my attempt at being more organized from here on out. Bear with me, as I do tend to forget my original plans and stray from the path quite often.

For today, though, I do have thoughts and questions. I know – so surprising to see me with questions! đŸ˜›

My thought is that my lack of sleep is disrupting my entire life and adding to my weight and food issues. I came to this conclusion about four years ago. As you can see that’s an ongoing problem. Then, last year, I hit my top weight – 196 lbs. At 5’5″, this is a lot of extra weight. My doctor got really serious with me and scared the junk out of me, so I set out to lose weight. The first thirty pounds came off extremely easily. I didn’t do much of anything except eat more veggies, cut out sugar everywhere I could, and because I didn’t want to eat late at night, I started going to bed before 11 PM. This meant I was waking up earlier, which led to more exposure to early morning sun, which seemed to help with my depression and anxiety issues. I was also waking up hungry for the first time in my life.

Then, my mother in law died, my uncle died, my husband and I started having serious marital problems, I got extremely sick and depressed, and finally, two weeks ago, my little sister moved out and although I’m happy about that, it created a ton of upheaval in our household. Needless to say, any good habits I’d developed over the past year were the first things to be destroyed in all that chaos. Now I find myself awake again at 4 AM, night after night, finally crashing with the sun and sleeping five or six hours, which isn’t too long, but when you’re waking up at noon to start your day, it’s a losing battle already. I have no appetite again and I’ve found myself becoming exhausted to the point where I just want to cry. I literally can’t stay awake an entire day to get back on track, either. It’s a vicious cycle I’ve found myself locked into again. And the worst part is, I KNOW how to fix it, logically…but I don’t seem to have the keys to get through that door and take care of business.

The good side is that I haven’t gained any weight back but have gained a ton of muscle. In the last six weeks my arms have bulked up a ton, which makes me so happy!

And today I’m have an appointment with my doctor to talk to her about all of this and see what her advice is. The last doctor I had wanted to give me appetite suppressors to fix this. When I heard that I knew I’d need to find another doctor right away. The last thing I need is an appetite suppressor, the main problem I have with food is that I don’t eat enough and when I do get hungry, I reach for the wrong stuff. It blows my mind how everyone wants to suppress their appetites to lose weight – don’t people understand that your body needs fuel, and gets that through being hungry so you’ll eat? Portion control and eating healthy foods rather than drive thru are the keys to getting healthier – NOT suppressing your appetite! Plus, in my case, I’ve had an eating disorder for almost 15 years now…for a doctor to want to give me a pill that makes that eating disorder gain control in my life blows my mind.

ANYWAY, enough rambling. I’m awake and trying to stay that way. I’ve had coffee and now I’m going to go work out and get in the shower to wake up…because my other thought is that I need new routines. Right now I’m in the routine of staying up all night, sleeping half the day, eating once or twice at the most and then working out so hard I get exhausted. So yeah, basically my routines suck, and I need new ones. Here’s a first attempt. Wish me well.

One Response to Journal

  1. orangecrush says:

    Hey…since I am journaling now, you should, too! That way we can be up in each others business from a distance. My marital separation has made me introspective in a good way…learning more about me while in a comfortable space! Xo

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