amazing images and a quick personal note

I can’t figure out a way to add this button to my side bar right now, and I’m too fried to figure it out at this moment, but I realized tonight that I had never mentioned my background change or where I got my image from. So I wanted to correct that as fast as possible!

So just where did that awesome bird collage come from? Well of course…it came from the awesome blog, The Graphics Fairy! Go check it out – she is AMAZING and has great images and blog goodies that she very generously shares with all of us.

The Graphics Fairy

On a quick personal note, we still don’t know where we’re moving, we have spent way too much time in UC Davis Children’s hospital with extended family members and the end result is horrific, and I am no longer even pretending to try to sleep at night. I’m just doing whatever I can to get through these days right now, because if I stop and think too much about any of this, it gets very overwhelming, very quickly. Also, I have been able to craft a bit here and there but have not been able to get pictures…I’m working on it! Amid all the chaos flying around right now, crafting and haunting my favorite blogs has been a great source of relief in the moments I can grab to have to myself! Tomorrow (later today?) I am getting back on track with my cardio routines to try to control this stress…will let you know how it goes!!

Mayday! Houston, we have a problem…seriously.

So at some point last week (I think?) I posted about moving (I’d go look for that post, but that requires energy and motivation, both of which I’m lacking in my life in huge amounts. Deal. Also, I could have posted this on my fb instead of here, which would make looking for that post a waste of time, energy and motivation.  Not gonna happen.) back up on the hill (oh yeah!  I did post it here!  Just reminded myself…enough with the parenthesis.)  Anyway, I was all upset/excited/dramatic about it, both in the post and in real life.  I went and bought – yes, bought, rather than haunt grocery stores and begging my neighbors or the homeless for theirs – boxes at 11 PM.  But, because I’d rather act dramatic than actually do anything productive, I never started packing.

Turned out to be a good call.

The whole house-on-the-hill deal fell through in a huge way.  Remember my rant? Let’s just say, I was right to write that, and would have been more right to remember those feelings instead of making the same dumb mistake again and trusting the person that was written about. Which, now that I am done being bitter and resentful (you can tell I’m over it, right?) I am actually thankful for…can you imagine if we’d done all the packing and hauling and moving and then this had happened?  Yeah…I would not be a happy camper…and probably have even more bitter resentment built up!

But the complications have only just begun.  See, when we were planning on moving back on the hill, I felt really bad about leaving our awesome landlady without renters. It worked out well that I wanted to find replacement renters, because two of my sisters decided they love my house so much they want to live here too, and rather than fight about who’d get it, they decided to become housemates and rent it in our place! Yay, right?

Only…

This whole plan was obviously concocted before our moving plan fell through. 30 day notices were given…I got all excited to declutter and pack and move…and then everything changed. Now, I have two sisters who need to be here by August 10, and I have no where to go to get out of their way.

So, yeah. You can understand the title of this post now, right?

The thing is, you’d think I’d be totally stressed and freaking out and overreacting and yelling a lot, since I really am so dramatic.

That was yesterday. (No, I’m not kidding; yesterday I literally freaked out to the point of tears, which caused my nine year old daughter to freak out. Not a proud parenting moment, not even close.)

This morning I woke up with a new POV, which is, in essence, the way I lived the last six years of my teens – who cares? Whatever will be, will be. The only difference is that back then I had a certain *friend* I used to meet with every other hour or so who helped me keep that frame of mind easily. There are times I really do miss MJ…but actually, this is way better. Now, when I’m about to lose it, instead of having to hunt for a lighter, which makes everything so much more stressful, I just close my eyes and tell myself, “It will all be okay eventually. As long as you keep breathing.”

One of these times I might actually believe myself. Usually, though, I just picture a huge jet airplane falling out of the sky with a smoke trail behind it, and I feel a little better instantly. Because I’m not on it. Not literally. And I’m not bitter or resentful, either, which helps considerably.

New Obsession

Yes, I’ve been gone again for a long time. By now I just can’t find the energy to tell you everything that’s going in my life that will explain my absences – just chalk it up to a recently discovered pregnancy (not mine!), a recent decision to move asap and life’s drama in general.  (Everything, even excuses, look better in rainbows.  Just sayin.’)

But I wanted to share my newest obsession! See, I do think of you guys, all the time.

My sister Katie found this for me and I love it so much I’m sharing here. It is AMAZING. You can define a color palette for your blog, quilt, redecorating or any other kind of project where you’re using color – just copy the URL of the web-hosted image, insert it in the generator and click Color-Palette-ify. So fun! It’s called the Color Palette Generator and it is a total blast. One of the best parts is that you can do this directly from Pinterest without opening the picture in its blog, very convienent!

This is an adorable quilt that I thought would be fun to use with the generator. Notice it picked up the brown of the chair the quilt is laying on – it will pick up all colors in the picture, not just the ones you notice first. Here’s what I got:

 

PS – to find the image URL, right click and select Copy Image Location, or in Windows 7, Copy Image URL.

PPS – I found that image up there somewhere on Pinterest. Have I talked about how amazing Pinterest is yet? If you don’t have one, get one! You can request an invite from the site or just drop me a line and let me know you need one, or leave an email address in the comments and I’ll get you an invitation out. It’s addicting, I’m warning you. but I don’t need a 12 step program yet! 🙂

A small rant

I get it. There are mean people in this world. That’s common knowledge and not a surprise to me at all. You see mean people every time you turn on the news and some mother killed her kid, or an innocent victim got shot by a gang banger, or some politician or super famous actor was recorded cussing, ranting, threatening, etc. in some extremely crazy way. Meanness is not a new concept.

But it is still a concept I will never get used to or expect or accept. Especially when it comes to family. If you can’t trust, love and or respect members of your own family, there is a serious problem somewhere. Also, if you are one of those people who’s feet ‘run to do badness’, you should really sit down and think about why you’re doing it and how to stop it. If you can’t get it under control the least you could do would be to remove yourself from society and leave the rest of us alone.

I am not talking about your average I-had-a-bad-day-and-took-it-out-on you meanness, either. I’m talking about years and years of totally cruel and unusual hatred for those around you with no basis for that feeling except that you are a horribly selfish person.

If you can’t make the effort to be decent to the people around you, if you’re reading this and thinking that maybe I’m talking about you, you really need to figure out a way to be better and change, because one day you’re going to look back on your life and realize what a terrible person you have been. You’ll turn around to apologize to those you truly love, who you truly hurt, and in that second the truth will hit you smack in the face – you’re completely, utterly alone, and deserve to be.

And that, my friends, is my rant.

May 31 2011

Sooo…you know what?

First of all, before anyone says anything, yes, I am a totally indecisive and wishy washy person. It takes me a long time to get committed to something. I’m trying to change but right now I’m still just…me.

After I wrote yesterday’s blog I sat up all night talking and thinking and chatting. Mostly I was thinking about what I’d written and why I’d written it. To be frank, I was being a complete baby. Yeah, I’m weak and pathetic…blah blah blah. Aren’t we all? Everyone has weaknesses that can render us weak and pathetic in some way . So I found one more thing that makes me that way. Oh well. This is a chance to get over it. Adjust, grow up, whatever. The point is, I’m not a terrible person, and I’m not going to keep feeling guilty for being angry.

What I really wanted to write yesterday somehow never made it to the page. The truth is I think it is absolute crap to write something and then not finish it. I have never left a story with an unwritten ending, which is why I don’t write anymore. This is a high expectation, I know…what I would do isn’t the same as what someone else can or should do. But seriously, if you can take the time to write the problem out, then take the time write the ending as well. Or just don’t write it at all if you don’t have the guts to finish it!!

ANYWAY – man, why do I talk so much?? All I wanted to say was I being a baby yesterday! I’m mad at my mom and I have a right to that. Feeling guilty for being angry is about as useful as anything else I’ve done lately – which is not useful at all. So, I’m over it. She was wrong for thinking what she thought and not talking to me about it. I was wrong for making it hard to talk to me. I’m sorry you have to see what an emotional basket case I am…although, honestly, I don’t really feel emotional about any of this. It’s more like…just thoughts. Thoughts that are making me sick and need to be gotten rid of somehow…but I promise I will have the guts to come back and finish it.

This is the point.

Things people write….

Ever since I was little and taught myself to read at three years old, I’ve known words are important. They have power. They have meaning. The written word has built countries, forged families, started and ended wars, passed on heritage and the most important tool of all, knowledge. I have always known that lives – my life in particular – revolve around written words. I’m never at a loss for something to say when I can write it. Some of the best and most intense moments of my life have happened using nothing more than typed words.

But until three weeks ago I’d never really thought about how dangerous and harmful words can be. Hadn’t realized the full extent of the damage they can do to a person. And had never realized how utterly and truly weak and pathetic I am.

There have been people…times…hospitals and doctors and words that I heard that have brought me to my knees. That have ruined my entire existence and rebuilt it with a single breath. But there has always been a ‘but’ at the end of them. And that one but means there is hope, a chance. It’s not over as long as there’s a but, you know? If you still have time to fix it, or adapt to it, it’s okay. It’s not that bad.

Three weeks ago I found a letter for which there is no but. There is no second chance to fix it, to talk about it, to get it out in the open and discuss it, because the person who wrote it is dead and buried. Truthfully, even if she was alive I don’t know if I could have fixed this. I had no idea she felt the way she did so how could I have fixed it or helped her? I had no idea…and that’s the part that stabs me, relentlessly, in the dark of night or the brightest part of the day and makes my throat go dry with the absolute doneness of it. There IS no correcting it and no reason to believe I could have.

In thirty years of living I’ve never had a reason to give up hope. My mother walked out on us and left us to deal with the aftermath of a crazy tear in our lives. There was still a reason to get up and hope – I had sisters and a dad to take care of. The ‘love of my life’ slept with everything that moved, was so physically abusive I had to stay inside the house for weeks to hide the bruises, and eventually got to the point where sticking a needle in his arm and threatening to do the same thing to me was the best way to spend a night at home. There was still a reason to hope – he could change, I could leave, the sun would still come up. I have never felt this same feeling of hopelessness with any of the ups and downs in my life. I have never not been able to go back and fix it. I know, in my head, that there are plenty of reasons to still get up and have hope for other things…but at this moment, right now, losing the chance to fix this one thing has kind of kicked my feet out from under me.

Which is why I have had to come face to face with the reality of exactly how weak and pathetic I have been up until now in my life. Everything doesn’t always end up as sunshine and roses, but in my little world, I tend to push and prod and shift things around until that’s exactly how it looks, because I can’t handle the fact that sometimes things just end badly. It’s much easier to blame someone else and move on than it is to own up to what you did and grow from it. I have always had something or someone to blame. Even now, in this case, there is something to blame…she had cancer and was on a lot of drugs that made her think differently than normal, and she was a lot sicker than she wanted us to know. So the things she wrote can’t really be held against her. But…how could she have thought those things if there wasn’t a grain of truth to them? A reason for her to ever have stumbled upon such thoughts? And I, somewhere, somehow, gave her that grain that grew into into that thought. To know I caused my dearest friend pain in any way hurts. A huge, actually physical pain that has come out lately in several different ways, ways that I’ll wear the scars from always…ways that actually only add to the weakness. I want to avoid it at all, at all costs, and I’ve had to realize I can’t do that.

So every day, every step forward from this point out will hurt. I will probably bleed and scar and cry and fall before it’s over. But at least, finally, tonight, I realize what’s been so wrong lately. I can’t ignore the truth anymore, that this last, most horrible time has all been because of words I can’t fix or make her not write. I’m ready to deal with it and figure out what I can learn from it…no matter how it hurts.

I like to whine, but I do the job.

So as I was laying on the floor covered in sweat and my arms were like limp noodles, I turned my head and caught a glimpse of my husband.  He was sitting on the couch with his feet on the coffee table, watching tv.  I’d just finished my workout and was dripping wet from head to toe, so tired that just the motion of turning my head was almost too much to handle, but when he dropped his gaze from the tv, it went straight to me and he smiled.  He was proud.  Of me, of what I had done.  He even thinks it’s adorable that I’m aggressive when it comes to lifting and I motivate him!

That made it all worth the effort.

Plus, I bought new work out pants today and when I put them on and showed him, he was really amazed with my butt and said it looked great.  Then my sister walked in and goes, “Wow, you’re finally getting a butt, keep going!”  Needless to say, I was a happy camper.

And yeah, I missed a day or two of blogging, but I’ll make up for it with the videos and blogs I’m working on right now.  I promise you’ll be glad you stuck around!

Let’s talk about #2, baby!

Continuing with the 30 days of lists list, we are now on #2 – things I am good at.  I will try as hard as I can to keep it clean and play nice. For those of you who know me, you’ll feel my pain with this…lol!

Things I am good at:

#1. Making fun messes (yes, there really are such things!)

#2. Coming up with great ideas for other people to follow through on

#3. Tanning in the yard when I should be working in the house

#4. Reading, writing and arithmetic sleeping

#5. Messing up when I try to make this smiley: 😀

#6. Scrubbing the floors on my hands and knees.  It’s a very therapeutic position

#5. Always having something funny to say

#6. Asking awkward and inappropriate questions

#7. NOT asking the other hundreds of other awkward and inappropriate questions I’m thinking

#8. My husband will argue to the death about this, but I am very very good at mowing lawns

#9. Ignoring my poor thirsty plants

#10. Creating and living with a beautiful mess in the midst of utter chaos and destruction

#11. Pushing myself beyond my limits to see what else I can do and what new limits I can find

#12. Working out at midnight…or 2 AM…whichever feels better

#13. Saying goodbye but never letting go

#14. Forgetting things is one of those things that I’m especially good at, unless it’s something I want to forget.

#15.  I can’t tell you this one…but trust me, I’m good at it. (Get your mind out of the gutter!  The honest truth is I couldn’t think of one for #15 but didn’t want to stop on an even number. :D)

So there you have it…#15 things I’m good at.

What about you?  What are you good at?  15, 100, or 2, doesn’t matter…we all have something we’re good at.  Spend some time today looking for yours.  Make your list.  Put it in my comments.  Put it on your wall.  Whatever makes ya happy!  Just think about it…you know you wanna.

PS – yes, if you are paying attention, you’ll notice I missed a day.  It wasn’t technically my fault though.  I wrote the post and scheduled it to publish itself after midnight and for some reason it didn’t do it.  But, I am not gonna freak out and feel like a failure…I know I wrote it on the right day, even if no one else does…lol!!

Failure, failure…success!

Today was kind of a failure day in some ways.

I ate GARBAGE. Seriously. What happened was, I forgot to take good snacks with me (because we were supposed to just be running a quick errand, or so I thought) and got to starving while we were in town. So instead of a salad or fruit or something, I had to have chili cheese fries. Just HAD to. You know. That whole gun to my head thing.

Then, after we got home, we were waist deep in kitchen cabinet reno land when dinnertime rolled around. Of course, I wasn’t prepared because our kitchen was literally gutted and there was no where to chop, wash or cook one single thing. So the husband talked me into pizza. Did I protest? Nope. Not once. I looked at the apples and cans of tuna and just thought, I’m tired and frustrated.

But you know what really happened? I was just unprepared and I waited too long to get my act together. Here’s a word to the wise, or at least those who want to lose weight…plan ahead and be prepared!! Tuna comes in pouches, chicken breasts come in individual packets, apples have their own wrapping you can actually eat…don’t be caught off guard.

The other failure was that I tried to make a gathered skirt to wear tomorrow and my gathering threads broke. Later I realized it was because I was pulling the top threads rather than the bobbin threads. My own fault for not researching more beforehand, but it was still frustrating and upsetting and I just gave up and shoved it away. This is the fifth sewing project that has ended in a nasty heap for me lately. I honestly have not finished a single thing since my mother died. I feel like maybe there’s some connection there…she taught me how to sew, and now I can’t seem to sew in a straight line without her…but I am too tired and sick of thinking about it to work it all out right now. You know?

BUT there was a plus. My husband and I designed amazing kitchen storage that I plan on blogging about this week. I also have a quick weight bench tutorial in the works, so things are looking up around here!