What makes ME fat

My close friend runs an amazing personal training business. She’s smart, funny and in the best shape of her life, which I can honestly say since I’ve known her for nearly 20 years! She recently put up a post that got me really thinking about being defeated before we even begin to get in shape, and these are my thoughts, my “fat story”, my reasoning on the matter…I really want to get to the bottom of things, because as she says in her blog, losing the weight is great but you need to figure out how you ended up in this spot to avoid it in the future.

So, on that note…meet the teenage me.

Me, when I was 16

As you can see for yourself, I obviously never struggled with a weight problem. Here I was probably at 120 at the most. I was young, active, and didn’t have to work hard to stay in shape. In fact, at that point, I thought eating healthy was only a step up from ripping your nails out as far as fun ways to spend Saturday nights go, and I never worked out unless you count horseback riding once in a while. I was a size small and didn’t think twice about it. But, with all of that said, the truth is I still didn’t like my body. I had a tiny bit of belly bulge that upset me, and I never wore shorts or skirts above the knee because my legs were “ugly and jiggly” (I can still remember saying that over and over). I was so worried that my arms would end up being ugly when I got older, because I already hated their shape.

I gained a little bit of weight over the next few years due to heavy drinking and less activity and more eating. When I got married in 2000, I was 19 and weighed about 130 pounds. I decided to lose weight after the wedding.

I lost weight alright…I got pregnant in June of that year. I ended up with a pregnancy disease called HG and within a matter of three weeks went from 140 to 117 pounds and a hospital bed. A week later I was down to 98 and in a nearly comatose state. When the HG finally went away, I was thrilled, but something had been triggered by being so close to death and out of control. It was the trigger that knocked on my emotional disorder’s door and brought it to the forefront. I covered a lot of this, including my exact diagnosis, in this blog, so there’s no need to go through it all again right here. But the fact was, my mental health totally overrode all of my physical health concerns. There were days when I absolutely could not force any food down, and if I did, it didn’t stay down; there were other days when I overate and over drank to the point where I almost couldn’t move! That, added to the different medications the doctors were trying me on to see what would be the most beneficial to my condition, sent me on a tailspin that brought on a huge weight gain.

At this moment I weigh 170 pounds. I gained most of that weight during the first year after my panic attacks and anxiety disorder started.

So now, I’m feeling really stuck and resentful of this body. I still take medicine to help maintain a level chemical balance, and have been in therapy for close to seven years, which has helped tremendously. One of the things I’ve realized through all of that is that I do like being heavy. To me, it’s a protection. I don’t want to deal with people. Sometimes I don’t want to deal with life in general. It’s easier to disappear if you’re considered an outsider, and being fat usually makes you an outsider. I also don’t have a healthy relationship with food or working out- I tend to either over or under do them both, and use them as punishments instead of fuel and help to feel good and be happier.

I have all of these reasons why I got in this spot, and even a basic understanding of why I’m having so much trouble sticking to this clean eating plan and healthy working out plan. but I just can’t seem to give myself that push I need to get started again. I’m terrified of failing at this – again – and also terrified of succeeding and “coming out of hiding”! So what’s the answer?

The answer is simple but complicated. I have got to change my thinking. About myself, my body, being skinny, being fat. I need to take out the negative thinking (All fat people are lazy, and I’m fat, so I’m lazy of course) and learn to have realistic expectations (I’ll be so happy when I can fit into a size 3 again, I’ll never have another panic attack or depressed day again!) I’m an all or nothing person, so I have to learn to be balanced about this.

It’s going to take time, but the best way to get started is to just do it. So I’m setting goals. Rather than going by a week or monthly schedule, I’m going to do a 21 day goal. I read somewhere that it takes 21 days to make something a habit. I’m not sure if that’s scientifically accurate, but I like that length of time – doable, long enough to allow for beginner’s burnout, short enough to not forget the urgency of the situation and keep focused.

My goals for the next 21 days:
A half hour of cardio a day
Arms and chest once a week with the weights
Eat two healthy meals and three snacks every day.

That leaves me room for improvement during the next 21 days but gives me something attainable now.

Anyone else want to set some 21 day goals? IF I can do it, you can do it…just jump in and start!

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Want awesome free stuff? And a new favorite blog or two?

1000 Follower Celebration

Flamingo Toes is one of my all time favorite blogs. Hands down. She has an amazing Etsy shop which is full of awesome rings, necklaces, bracelets and even a pattern for a great purse. But we don’t always have a ton of extra money for shopping online for pretty things just because we love them…so wouldn’t it be better to win some stuff instead? Of COURSE!

Which brings me to my new favorite blog – A Glimpse Inside. That’s where I got that nifty button up there at the top of this post. Isn’t it great? So if you head over there right now you have a chance at winning $25 worth of shop credit in one of the coolest Etsy shops ever.

So…seriously…GO! As much as I love you, my reader (lol, yes, my one lone reader) you really shouldn’t be here anymore…go enter that contest! 😀

New Obsession

Yes, I’ve been gone again for a long time. By now I just can’t find the energy to tell you everything that’s going in my life that will explain my absences – just chalk it up to a recently discovered pregnancy (not mine!), a recent decision to move asap and life’s drama in general.  (Everything, even excuses, look better in rainbows.  Just sayin.’)

But I wanted to share my newest obsession! See, I do think of you guys, all the time.

My sister Katie found this for me and I love it so much I’m sharing here. It is AMAZING. You can define a color palette for your blog, quilt, redecorating or any other kind of project where you’re using color – just copy the URL of the web-hosted image, insert it in the generator and click Color-Palette-ify. So fun! It’s called the Color Palette Generator and it is a total blast. One of the best parts is that you can do this directly from Pinterest without opening the picture in its blog, very convienent!

This is an adorable quilt that I thought would be fun to use with the generator. Notice it picked up the brown of the chair the quilt is laying on – it will pick up all colors in the picture, not just the ones you notice first. Here’s what I got:

 

PS – to find the image URL, right click and select Copy Image Location, or in Windows 7, Copy Image URL.

PPS – I found that image up there somewhere on Pinterest. Have I talked about how amazing Pinterest is yet? If you don’t have one, get one! You can request an invite from the site or just drop me a line and let me know you need one, or leave an email address in the comments and I’ll get you an invitation out. It’s addicting, I’m warning you. but I don’t need a 12 step program yet! 🙂

Sooo….

Normally, under a heading like that one, you’d expect to see lots of pictures of things – quilt blocks, flimsy’s, scrapbooking pages, something. I have pictures…but none that I am going to post for the world to see right this minute. Why not, you ask? Well…since you’re so stinkin’ nosey…I’ll tell you the honest truth:

Everything I’ve started this week has stunk, big time.

There are rainbow string blocks (sort of based on inspired by this tutorial and this awesome tutorial.) There are actually two versions of rainbow string blocks, one of which is a quilt as you go method which I was l o v i n g until I realized that three layers of flannel would smother anyone crazy cold enough to get under it. And the other version, which I just started last night, just looks…wrong, somehow. The too-flannel blocks all went together so well and looked exactly right. These new sets of blocks don’t have the same easy going nature, and they are really frustrating me.

In that second link up there, you’ll notice that instead of using a rainbow theme, she’s using a dark/light theme which looks incredible. So today I dumped out all of my scraps (which had been sorted according to color, for ease of sewing rainbow blocks, of course) and divided them into two piles: one light, one dark. A good blogger would have taken a picture of that, but since I was surrounded by a mother, a nine year old, a sister, a brother in law, a really loud tv and a stress headache, the camera was the last thing on my mind. After an hour of sorting I laid out some dark and light blocks to see if I’d like it, and guess what? I loathed and despised every inch. How that is possible, when someone else’s looked so good, is beyond me, but that’s the truth.

I did manage to cut out over 50 ten inch blocks to use as foundation pieces for whichever quilt I eventually decide to make, but now I’m wondering if that was a waste of time as well. Not only are my ideas turning into mud, but the fabric that I have tested seems to bunch and curl and basically misbehave at every opportunity, so it may not even be worth using!

The other main area of life I’m working on, besides sewing, is my fitness. I’ve gained and lost the same eleven pounds in the last two months and am seriously sick of it. I feel like I’ve set myself into this pattern of eating perfectly for three or four days, then totally sabotaging any healthy standards for the rest of the week. Why I’m doing this to myself, I honestly don’t know. I’d say it’s just plain laziness but it doesn’t feel like that – I spent three hours cooking and packaging good food the day before yesterday, only to find myself succumbing to peer pressure and having ice cream sundaes for dessert with the family. I don’t even like ice cream! The Greek yogurt was right there…and I just grabbed the thing closest to me, the ice cream. Why?

I have not worked out – no cardio, no weights – since Tuesday morning. I know the why to this one, but I don’t know how to fix it right away. I had a horrible panic attack/high anxiety moment (that lasted an hour and half) Tuesday morning while lifting. It was a really bad one; I ended up throwing up, spending the next two hours shivering in bed, and basically being miserable and scared to death for the next two days. So now I am afraid to get my heart rate up at all. And the weights are smirking at me and asking to be thrown outside. I have an unreasonable fear, which I have had before; I overcame it before by setting a goal of working out a few minutes at a time, every day, until I wasn’t afraid to sweat and feel my heart beat happily. This time around it’s not working that way. I have a mental block in the way, and don’t know how to get it to start inching over…so I am trying not to obsess, because that doesn’t help at all.

BUT I am all done whining about my week. Tomorrow is Friday, I am taking the kiddo bathing suit shopping and getting to see my parents and my Brookie B, so nothing can stink too bad on Fridays!

What about you guys? What are you working on? What’s frustrating you? What are your Fridays like?

New bloggy goodness!

I’ve spent the better part of this day locked in my sewing room. There are two reasons for this – one, my kid is sick and grouchy, so I’m trying to stay out of her way as much as I can; and two, I’m really trying to work harder at being a good blogger and crafter. To that end I took some pictures and edited them for use here on my blog.

If you like them, you can use them however you want. They are bigger if you click on them. So click on them and choose ‘save image as’, name the file whatever makes your little heart happy, and it’s all yours! It would be awesome if you’d take the time to drop me a line and tell me how much you adore my wonderful images (lol!) or at least give us a link to your blog so we can check it out. But, it would just be awesome…it’s not a rule or anything!

If there’s enough interest, I’ll look into making more goodies for your blogs, so if you have any special requests just leave me a comment. I love your guys’ emails, of course, but my blog looks a little lonely with no comments. 😦

Oh, and one more topic of discussion – this blog has gotten pretty messy with diary entries and whining posts and not enough pictures or good crafting content. But, I’ve had this up for almost five years, and there are a lot of posts to go back through and edit and reorganize. I’ve been really horrible about tagging things correctly, too, so it’s really hard to find anything, and gives me a headache just thinking about it, honestly. So, what I am thinking about doing is moving over to Blogger for my crafting posts. (Yeah, I tried that once before, a few years ago, but I wasn’t really focused enough to put in the effort needed and eventually gave up. Not gonna happen this time.) There are a lot of pluses to Blogger but the truth is I really am having a hard time being disloyal to WordPress after this many years here. So I’m still just in the ‘considering’ phase. The other option is to stay here at WordPress and just start a new blog for my crafting stuff. I’ll still post here either way, about my fitness and life and stuff, but…Idk. It’s just something to think about.

What about you? What are you thinking about today? Share with us…we want to know!

My To-Do List

Today’s gonna be a busy day, if I manage to accomplish even half of the things I want to do I’ll be thrilled. The plan is to post this list and then come back and update it with the time I finished each project, but we’ll see how much blogging time I have left over to actually do that! Without further adieu…

Wednesday, April 27th, 2011 To-Do list

scrub shower Done!  10:10 AM

finish laundry (finally!)

organize closet Done at noon…the next day lol

As much of dd’s schoolwork as is possible

dishes

sweep and mop bathroom and kitchen

clean out and detail my car

organize linen closet (and find some place for extra blankets while I’m at it!) Done! 10:10 AM

vacuum all floors

Make dd’s bed for overnight guests tonight Done at 9 PM

take out ALL trash – including what’s behind my bedroom door! Done, the next afternoon

PUT AWAY CLEAN CLOTHES – just. do. it. Yes, three baskets is a lot.  Suck it up.  Wimp. Done at 6 PM next day

clean and vacuum under couch cushions (and start doing this on a weekly basis!)

make potholders and hot pads

work on gray and yellow quilt  – just do it, get over the block already!

clean out both fridges

upload videos from Shea’s visit Done at 5:3o PM

Move firewire card from old pc to new one

Make lunch and dinner Done

Eat every two hours Fail, but this is an ongoing goal

take pills Done at 9:00 AM

let Sasquatch out and play with her Done at 9:45 AM

take the kids outside (maybe even the park?) Done

quit crying every time I pass a mirror (don’t ask.  Just know it involves my now orange hair) Done at 2 AM – redyed it! yay

cardio – at least an hour!  Quit slacking woman. Didn’t get a full hour but still had fun

study

You thought I was exaggerating about how big of a list it is, right?  Wrong!  So what are YOU doing today?  Hope it’s more fun than what I’m looking at!

Do you ever have

Do you ever have one of those days when you wake up wrong and the day just gets more and more wrong from there? I mean, down to where even the easiest things to do right – like take a shower or throw a load of laundry in or decide what to have for dinner – end up feeling like they will turn out as wrong as everything else has so far, so you get to the point where you don’t want to do anything at all!

I don’t mean the same kind of ‘don’t want to’ as when you’re depressed or just emotionally swamped. I’m not even talking about the kind of frozen in fear ‘don’t want to’ that high anxiety or panic attacks can cause. I just mean, really, truly lacking in motivation and yet so stuffed with frustration that everything just feels wrong.

Full of cactus spines,

dripping with dangerous venom,
null

poke you til you bleed,
null

wrong.

Do you have those days?

Please say you do…because I am having one right now and don’t want to feel all alone over here in Wrongville.

So, you may be thinking, what could possibly have driven me to this amount of wrongness?

Well.

I’m pretty sure my dog’s dying.

I need to work out but am fighting a migraine and every single time I move my head splinters a little more. Not very fun.

I can’t sew or craft to save my life, which, considering how many years I’ve spent doing this stuff, it really does save my life and sanity. So it stinks to be so miserably cut off from it.

But the main thing that’s so wrong is that we have a huge thing to go to tonight with thousands of people and I really, really am dreading it. I know. They are just people, they’re all nice, it will be great once I’m there…I can hear it all, have heard it all, don’t really want to hear it again. I am allowing myself to be a little overwhelmed and I’m fine with it. I’m still going, I’m just dreading it a little.

So that’s my day right now.

How wrong is yours?

11 Quilts in 2011

This is my list of quilts I’m planning on making this year:

1) Memory quilts for the kids – Grace, Kylee, Amya, Chance, Travis and Ashley, Tina, Alan. Yes, that’s 7 quilts right there, and the last three need to be queen sized, if I can come up with enough fabric.

2) A mini art quilt of some kind. I’ve never made one and really want to.

3) Black, white and gray quilt for the living room

4) Yellow and gray king sized quilt for my new bed – here’s the color inspiration I’ll be working toward, but so far my yellows are a tad brighter and there’s a bit more black in my fabrics as well

5) Another rainbow quilt

6) Checkerboard quilt for the living room (with actual checkerboard playing pieces, of course!)

7) Finish the binding on Amya’s original quilt

Now, if you were paying attention and counting, you will see that that is actually 13 quilts instead of 11. And since it’s already February 14th I am already behind…but that’s okay, I can do it!!

So my last two posts have been dedicated to my crafting plans this year…what about you guys? Want to share your lists and encourage each other?

My crafting list for 2011 so far

#1 – 2011 Planner – started
#2 – King sized quilt – yellow and gray – about half done
#3 – Perpetual calendar with fused plastic bag pages
#4 – old school NES controller pillow
#5 – 8 memory quilts for the grandkids – Tina, Alan, Dena, Travis, Grace, Chance, Kylee and Amya
#6 – 3 rag dolls for the little girls – Kylee, Grace and Amya
#7 – 1 Superhero cape for Chancer (because he’s an eight year old boy who would not want a rag doll, lol)
#8 – quilted curtains for the living room window (it’s cold and drafty!) shelf with curtains for living room window (take pics, this is done!)
#9 – kitchen redo
#10 – quilted checkerboard for the coffee table
#11 – Recipe binder – started, barely
#12 – shopping bags of some kind – maybe crochet?
#13 – lots of pillows – three for my room and a bunch for the living room (inspiration on my Pinterest)
#14 – redecorate living room
#15 – wall art for living room
#16 – bedroom headboard
#17 – bedroom wall art
#18 – jewelry display box – DONE, need to take pics and post
#19 – fingerless gloves – DONE
#20 – Dawn’s curtains – DONE
#21 – hang crib side for craft room storage
#22 – Anthro inspired necklace
#23 – wire wrapped sea glass pendants – one done, more to go
#24 – altered puzzle for the CAL
#25 – laptop sleeve
#26 – cell phone holder for my arm
#27 – 8 (or 16) color journals (red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, black and white) orange is started, others are sewn but not color marked in any way yet
#28 -Quilted cell phone pouch
#29 – whole cloth quilt – started, almost done with the white threads and ready to move on to the yellows
#30 -fabric magnetic bookmarks
#31 – quilted book cover(s)
#32 – Owl fabric quilt or bag? Must make a decision!

What I’ve been up to today!

Today was a really busy day for our house even though it was technically my day off. We did lots of cleaning, took naps, played, cooked dinner and then did our Tuesday night bible study. I’m conducting this month and it was a little nerve racking but we had a great time and it was hard to quit when our hour was up!

It was nice to have everything done after the study was over – we’d already had dinner and everything was cleaned up for the day. So, I bit the bullet and made myself work out. The kidlet and I played Just Dance (she quit after the third song, the little sissy…lol) and then I did the Wii Fit, and finished up with a ton of push ups. It took over an hour to do everything but now I’m pleasantly sore so it was worth it.

And after all of that, I finally had some time to myself to sew without feeling like I was neglecting other things. I recently moved my sewing machine onto my computer desk so that it’s always out and ready and nearby, and it has made a world of difference in my productivity. I’ve finished seven 10″ wonky log cabin blocks as well as started piecing my scrappy binding. It’s awesome to see a pile of finished quilt blocks growing so fast! I just turn on my computer, find something to watch or listen to, and sew away. It works well because I’m still close enough to the rest of the family so they don’t feel like I”m deserting them to sew. But, I also don’t have to watch/listen to what they are watching/listening to, because I have headphones on so I can do my own thing. It’s the best of both worlds as far as relaxing before bed with my crafty stuff and not being all closed off from everyone else to do so. I wish I had a picture to show you guys, but it’s really late and dark in here so I don’t have anything great to show…sorry!

Anyway, I need to go to bed now, so I’m forcing myself to put away the computer and sewing machine and hit the hay. Pictures soon!