I am not so good
January 5, 2010 1 Comment
at managing blogs when I am busy trying to manage my life! I have been accomplishing great things around here but haven’t had time to post. Yesterday I stayed home all by myself while DH and DD went to the grocery store. It was a first for me in over a year. I didn’t do anything productive while they were gone, but I did manage to stay here and not have a melt down, so that felt good.
I am still working (futilely) at getting to bed and getting up at a decent hour. I am now fully convinced that staying up too late and sleeping in too long adds to my depression in giant chunks. The trick is going to be figuring out a way to overcome this crazy sleeping pattern. So far I have been doing a little better than before – bedtime has been 2 AM rather than 6 AM – but my ultimate goal is to be in bed at 10 and up at 7. It’s a work in progress, but I am not giving up, which is the important thing, right?
I have also been keeping a journal, for the first time in a really long time. I am always afraid of making my notebooks and diaries ugly, so most of the time I don’t use them for journal writing but rather for note taking, messages, to do lists, stuff like that. I realized I needed a journal, though, so I racked my brain for something that would work and came up with…
a Steno pad.
With a big marker, I wrote the date at the left hand top of the page. Then I flipped the page and wrote the next day’s date at the top of that page, and kept going clear through the month, one page for each day. At the end of the month, I wrote, “December Notes” across the top of the blank page after December 31, and then started January on the very next page. On the right side of the page, I wrote ‘Anxiety’ in the same marker. I wanted every page to have this organized looking header to make it easy on my eyes, as well as easy to fill in. Make sense? Okay.
The left side is devoted to jotting down the events of the day, in however many details and thoughts as I feel like recording. A typical daily entry will usually include the time I went to bed the night before and the time I got up, where I went that day, whatever house keeping I accomplished, how DD and DH are doing, etc. It’s not really so much about how I was feeling that day as it is a short list of everything that happened.
Under the Anxiety heading, I keep track of any anxiety and depression symptoms I’m having. For instance, under yesterday’s Anxiety column, I wrote, “having lots of chest pains and stress headaches, need to work out but don’t have the energy but I know it would help combat these physical symptoms.” I keep most of the focus of this column on my symptoms and thoughts about anxiety/depression so that I can easily refer to them and look over the last month and see my ups and downs.
At the bottom of the page, on the right side normally, I have also been writing down 5 things I am grateful for that day.
Then, at the back of the Steno pad, on the inside cover, I taped my period chart (which you can find in the post below this) so that I don’t lose it. On the front inside cover I taped a few affirmations and pointers about anxiety and life in general, just to have the reminders at hand and close by.
After all this organizing and preparing, you’d think I’d be faithfully devoted to this journal, but it’s actually been a rather freeing thing – I don’t feel guilty about missing a day or forgetting a section. I haven’t been able to write in this every single day, but the thing about this is, it’s easy to go back and fill in the days I missed. I can ask DH, “what did we do yesterday again?” and go back and fill it in under that date and not feel guilty. On those days I don’t always get to the gratitude list but I am usually able to remember any anxiety experiences I had based on the days events.
Despite missing days and having to go back and write it down later, I am proud to announce that I have written something for each day since December 13th. I am seriously proud of that as it’s the first thing I have been successful at yet this year! lol.
I would love to take a picture of my journal and post it here for you, but my digital camera died a quick but nasty death that’s left me feeling heartbroken and lost. And my scanner/printer is being stubborn so you are out of luck atm. I hope this description makes sense and also explains why I haven’t been using this blog as often as I have in the past. It’s not my daily/weekly journal anymore, but it is still my favorite place online.
Hope you are doing well and enjoying 2010 so far!