November 4, 2009 6 Comments
I have waited for you for days, for months, for years. I have waited breathlessly, in agonizing uncertainty, wondering when you’re going to make your words come true, when you’re going to hold up the promises you made me in bitter blood on snow white skin and say, today is the day I will do what I said I would do for you. Today is the day I love you.
I have ached with loneliness for you. This huge gaping wound you left in the center of my life throbs with infection and oozes with green anger. It has sharp, jagged edges that hold me captive within the red blisters. I want to be free of you, I promise I do; some days it feels like I have finally forgotten you and moved on. But then life rears back and hurls another cannon ball at me, and it smacks right into my septic wound, and memories of you crash down on me until there is no more light to be found, no more peace to be had. You saw away at my life with every breath you or I draw. You look like an angel, come to save us and help us and heal us back to whole, when the truth is you are nothing more than a pestilence bent on destruction and death. I remember when your words used to soothe me well into my dreams, when the knowledge that you were happy made me smile with pleasure, and I wish I could take it all away from you, every single good memory I know you have of me. My heart is still cold with wanting you, but now there is room beside the want of you for want of revenge on you.
Instead of giving in to my base desires and obliterating you with the words and truths I know would destroy you, I am patient. I am waiting for your apology to mean something to you like it doesn’t to me. I am waiting for the day when you look back and realize the depths of all that you did and watch your life curl away into the black smoke of destruction that you will never be able to fix. It would be well within the acceptable for me to laugh then, for me to feel a rush of righteousness in the face of your ultimate failure. But the truth is that I will be sad for you instead. I won’t, could never be, happy to see someone’s else torment at my expense, but that is the difference between the two of us, I suppose. I wait for you, I watch for you, I ache for you, I give you chance after chance to rectify the situations your selfishness has caused, and in the end, I will break for you as well. When it’s your turn to feel one single ounce of the despondency, despair, and utter misery I have felt for you, when it’s your turn to weep from the bottom of your heart with only endless torment ahead of you, I will be the one to catch you.
I will never be rid of you. I will never be able to turn you away or cut you off or repay you for the damage you have done to me and mine and my life. That is yet another difference between you and I. In the end, I know that even if the moment of perfect revenge came to pass and I could lay yoiu out cold with the ending you so deserve, I would let it pass. I would walk away and hang my coat up and crawl into bed with my shoes on and cry for you and the blow you were almost dealt.
The waiting is torture, the wound is hot, the uncertainty is lead weight around my neck, but the truth is the truth. I will continue to wait and bleed and hold my breath in anticipation…and maybe, one day, some day, you will see that truth before the end rushes up to catch you. Maybe we will be able to forge a new future and leave the scars of the past as evidence of a lesson learned. Maybe. One day.