Always waiting

I have waited for you for days, for months, for years. I have waited breathlessly, in agonizing uncertainty, wondering when you’re going to make your words come true, when you’re going to hold up the promises you made me in bitter blood on snow white skin and say, today is the day I will do what I said I would do for you. Today is the day I love you.

I have ached with loneliness for you. This huge gaping wound you left in the center of my life throbs with infection and oozes with green anger. It has sharp, jagged edges that hold me captive within the red blisters. I want to be free of you, I promise I do; some days it feels like I have finally forgotten you and moved on. But then life rears back and hurls another cannon ball at me, and it smacks right into my septic wound, and memories of you crash down on me until there is no more light to be found, no more peace to be had. You saw away at my life with every breath you or I draw. You look like an angel, come to save us and help us and heal us back to whole, when the truth is you are nothing more than a pestilence bent on destruction and death. I remember when your words used to soothe me well into my dreams, when the knowledge that you were happy made me smile with pleasure, and I wish I could take it all away from you, every single good memory I know you have of me. My heart is still cold with wanting you, but now there is room beside the want of you for want of revenge on you.

Instead of giving in to my base desires and obliterating you with the words and truths I know would destroy you, I am patient. I am waiting for your apology to mean something to you like it doesn’t to me. I am waiting for the day when you look back and realize the depths of all that you did and watch your life curl away into the black smoke of destruction that you will never be able to fix. It would be well within the acceptable for me to laugh then, for me to feel a rush of righteousness in the face of your ultimate failure. But the truth is that I will be sad for you instead. I won’t, could never be, happy to see someone’s else torment at my expense, but that is the difference between the two of us, I suppose. I wait for you, I watch for you, I ache for you, I give you chance after chance to rectify the situations your selfishness has caused, and in the end, I will break for you as well. When it’s your turn to feel one single ounce of the despondency, despair, and utter misery I have felt for you, when it’s your turn to weep from the bottom of your heart with only endless torment ahead of you, I will be the one to catch you.

I will never be rid of you. I will never be able to turn you away or cut you off or repay you for the damage you have done to me and mine and my life. That is yet another difference between you and I. In the end, I know that even if the moment of perfect revenge came to pass and I could lay yoiu out cold with the ending you so deserve, I would let it pass. I would walk away and hang my coat up and crawl into bed with my shoes on and cry for you and the blow you were almost dealt.

The waiting is torture, the wound is hot, the uncertainty is lead weight around my neck, but the truth is the truth. I will continue to wait and bleed and hold my breath in anticipation…and maybe, one day, some day, you will see that truth before the end rushes up to catch you. Maybe we will be able to forge a new future and leave the scars of the past as evidence of a lesson learned. Maybe. One day.

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About messymama
I'm a SAHM with a busy schedule and a love of too many things to count! I sew, I write, I draw, and I love to create. I'm always on the lookout for a new project idea. One other very important thing about me - my house is in a continual state of upheaval and mess. Slowly but surely I'm working through the piles and boxes, but I am still in the process, and some days it seems like it would be much easier to pack up and move!

6 Responses to Always waiting

  1. Dreamingwideawake says:

    Whoa, babe, this is far more painful than mine. You asked me to guess who it was, and when I clicked the link I thought I would know after the first 2 words, but honestly, I have no clue. Whoever it is I want to ring them around with my bare hands though! I am thinking of a certain family member, but this seems more like a personal relationship. My chest hurts from just reading this. But I have to say, after writing mine 2 days ago I feel so light and wonderful. Right after the initial composure I felt shaky and pissed off (at my self and others). Then, as the days wear on, just knowing you have “popped the pimple” so to speak, it begins to heal. I think my writing makes me both full of anxiety and morbid with heavy thoughts, but also lightens me and gives me an outlet. I would be very curious to see how you feel now that you’ve written this and let it sit for a while. Do you feel better at all? Love you, doll. Promise to see you very soon!

  2. Dreamingwideawake says:

    OK, I have to add to that: gorgeous prose. I just re-read it and realize that while it is most likely about a person, it could also be about a longing for God. When will he come? It seems like a betrayal each day that passes without him. OK, maybe I am getting too far into my English Lit background, but there are so many metaphors you put to good use.

  3. messymama says:

    Glad I could intrigue you! I guess I still have the gift even if I never bother to use it, right? lol. I will tell you who it is about in a private email later. Certain people don’t need to know who it’s about it, and hopefully they are reading it and seeing themselves between the lines.

    I worry when I know you are reading my stuff that it sounds too grade school compared to what you come up with. Thank you for the compliment, I feel a lot better now. 😉 I guess it’s that whole “she’s a PUBLISHED AUTHOR” thing, hehehe.

    I do feel the slightest bit better, but I think it’s going to take some time to feel a true measure of relief. I didn’t realize how much this stuff was bugging me until I sat down to write about it so it’s kind of a fresh ache, you know? We’ll see what the reaction is to it too and if that helps or makes it worse.

    I FBed you, but in case you don’t see it, I wanted to tell you there’s a blog on HG coming soon, and also, let me know what day you want to come down, what weekend, and I will totally clear my schedule to visit you. We can sew and crochet and throw the kids outside and drink hot tea and maybe even discuss writing or, God forbid, feelings? hehe…love you!!!

  4. Dreamingwideawake says:

    Well, I’m not that great, but i am glad you are the kind of person who accepts a compliment instead of hemming and hawing in false humility (get the doublespeak there?). Maybe my next blog will be about these types of people?

    One thing I forgot to mention in my spill all blog about the el neurotica (AKA the bearded clam, which is Lanes nickname for el neurotica, NOT mine), is that her behavior actually helps me in many ways. Like, when you know you are being watched, your behavior is always better, right (nose picking farting is much less etc)? Not only that, but when someone calls you names or says you are such and such a kind of person, it becomes very “highlighted” and you start seeing it in yourself, to any degree.

    I am sure it would kill her to know that I’ve made huge progress on my novel based on her negativity and anger towards me, because it serves as a sort of “Oh yeah, I’ll show them” attitude in me and drives me to be better. Some nights when I can’t write or work-out, I think on something el neurotica said about me and I get so fired up I end up blowing myself away with greatness.

    Does this person do the same for you? Do you find that because of the situation this particular person has put you in has caused you to be stronger or do something you otherwise would not do? Think really hard! LOL!!!

  5. messymama says:

    It’s caused me to let go of the angry person I used to be and become the comedic relief in my life, that’s for sure! When I really want to just go on a rage and tell everyone off, I think about the reaction this person would have to my actions, and how ti would be giving in to their idea of what my life is…and then I shut up and crack a smart aleck remarkk and go on with my day. So yes, in more ways than just that, it helps me be a better person.

    It also made me realize why I love my husband so much. If anything, it’s made me even more grateful for the life I have, and see past the faults and addictions to the true best friend I have. Every single day I am more appreciative and happy to have what I have…and to know they don’t.

  6. dreamingwideawake says:

    I know God puts these people in our lives for a reason. I try not to be the victim anymore. I admit when I am wrong, too. Now I am tapping my fingers…….just waiting on that PM to tell me who it is…..ahem. I just wrote a blog you should read. I resp. to your comment about my social media hiatus, which is that I didn’t mean I would avoid blogging. It is still writing, right….??? Looking both ways, chewing my nails…

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