Not a crafty post
July 18, 2009 Leave a comment
There was a time when my life was the polar opposite of what it is now. There was a time when I was someone else entirely, caught in the same skin, torn in the same parts I often find myself torn in now…caught between who I want to be and who I really am. Changing is so hard to do, especially for those of us with broken pasts and disorders that make life in general rough.
Back then I wouldn’t have listened to anyone if they’d tried to tell me how and why I was wrong, where I’d be today, what I’d want in life five years down the road…I would have probably socked them in the mouth and walked away. But now, looking back on it, I wish I would have listened; I wish I could be the kind of person that can learn from others experiences without having to go through the pain myself.
So my question is this: when you see someone making the absolute wrong decision, that will bring nothing but regret and heartache in the future, do you tell them? Or do you let them live and learn themselves? Or do you go for a happy medium by dropping hints and being supportive and hoping you’re wrong?
At one thirty today I got a call from a friend’s husband asking me to please come over right away, there was an “incident” happening involving suicide threats and people not being allowed to leave when they wanted and all kinds of other drama. Of course I dropped everything and went, because far be it for me to say no, I can’t get involved in that drama…two hours later I was wishing I’d stayed home and still feel like I didn’t really help or solve anything. However, I know I didn’t make anything worse, and it would have hung over my head forever if I didn’t try to help, so in the end I’m glad I went.
Afterward I had to go to my sister’s to pick up my kid for a playdate. I brought lunch and a smile, but those things didn’t last long. My sister and her man were having some kind of huge fight and they were both losing their tempers. He took it out on their kid, she of course flipped out, and they ended up in a face to face, chest to chest screaming match. It was ridiculous. So of course I broke it up, which was fine, but in the end he started yelling right in my face, so of course I threatened to remove his teeth for him with my fist, and you know how people love to hear things like that. It’s honestly the closest I’ve ever been to hitting someone and NOT doing it. (Aren’t you proud? I’m getting self-control – finally! lol).
All of that happened between one and three today. Then we came home and this dumb show on tv totally triggered a whole set of memories I’d forgotten about. But, I know more of where my fear of doctors comes from now…they have the power to change lives or end them and they don’t have to answer to anyone for it. One of the worst mistakes of my entire life was going with a friend to a clinic to terminate her pregnancy. The decision was hers to make, and in her shoes I might have done the same thing; the guy in her life had told her she had a choice – she could go to the clinic or he could kill her. If it had been me, I would probably have gone to the law and gotten help, but she chose not to, which was her business. The part that bugs me is the fact that I was in there with her and saw it and heard it and it was so sad. I cried the whole time, and then the whole drive back, and then I got drunk for a week and tried to forget about it. It was a really hard thing to do and the truth is that the two of us have never been close since that day. I just feel like I made the wrong choice by being in the room, and I wish I would have listened to my husband who tried to tell me to just wait outside no matter how much she asked me to go in with her. See what I mean? That hour changed who I am inside, affected me forever, and it was within my power to avoid putting that hole in my heart. Some hurts are caused by others and are unavoidable; it’s the ones we can prevent that tend to sting the hottest though.
It’s been a long and exhausting day and I really feel like I put myself in situations where the hurt that happened could have been avoided and that was my choice. I wish I would have known better.
More than that, I wish I could tell these two girls, my sister and my friend who helped ruin my day (lol), that they are both making huge mistakes. I wish I could help them avoid the regret I carry from things in my past and I wish I would have listened to those who tried to prevent it…but I guess in the end the lesson will stick better if it’s hard earned. I feel kind of bitter and resentful towards all of them, honestly; they have no idea what it’s like to make split second decisions that hurt for the rest of your life, and they don’t want to listen. On the other hand, I wish I could live life like they do, with the constant hope that things will get better to pull me through. Sometimes I feel like a ninety year old lady who’s been turned into a cynical and jaded hag over the years.
I’m so tired right now that I shouldn’t be awake, and that is probably making me even more frustrated with everything that happened today. Maybe I’m the one who’s wrong, maybe they are right…looking at my life doesn’t reassure me that I always make the perfect choice, lol.