Today is not…
May 11, 2009 Leave a comment
a good day for my anxieties.
About a week and a half ago I noticed I was getting hives on my stomach and legs. They itch, but it wasn’t really that big of a deal…until they never went away. Now they are driving me crazy for a number of reasons – they itch and sting, they aren’t leaving, I don’t know what caused them (which is normal for hives) and the biggest reason is that I won’t take medicine to get rid of them. There’s no reason to go to a doctor (they are doctors OF MEDICINE, that’s what they give us to make us feel better and fix everything that’s wrong) because I am having panic attacks just thinking of taking a pill.
This sounds so stupid, but it’s the truth. I haven’t swallowed so much as an aspirin in the last three years. I manage to take the meds I HAVE to take because the alternative is worse and I know they help…but taking something NEW, for a new condition, is wigging me out big time. I could just take some Benadryl and the hives would probably disappear without another itch, but I can’t do it.
The last time I tried to force myself to take a pill I was afraid of, I threw up for three days and had massive panic and anxiety attacks (yes, there’s a difference. I’ll blog about it soon.) I learned in that second that I just can’t do it. My fear of medicine is so much bigger than my fear of whatever the problem being treated is. I can’t explain it, it’s just kind of this wordless heat that I can’t overcome. And right now, I’d love some instant relief so I wish I could take an allergy pill and get over this…
Anyway, last night I was up until after four because I was so itchy I couldn’t sleep. Finally I broke down and put some corisone cream on the hives (creams are different than pills I guess, lol) and was able to sleep for a few good hours. This morning I woke up and researched hives and the thing that I keep coming back to is, if the hives last more than a week you’re supposed to go to the doctors. But I don’t want to go, because they’ll just tell me to take some antihistamines and come back if they don’t go away with treatment. I can’t take the medicine so why bother going to the doctors?
But then I think, what if I die from hives? I know this is probably physically impossible but once my anxiety is up there’s no stopping the crazy amount of scary thoughts I get. I am noticing a difference just from using the cream though so I’ll keep that up for a few days and see what happens.
This is the third medical problem I’ve ignored because of my terror of medicine.
My nightmare is getting in a car crash or getting pregnant or getting cancer or something and having no choice but to have medical treatment and drugs. I would be fine, I know that in my head, but the symptoms from my anxiety would be overwhelming at first.
Anyway, that’s not all I was here to blog about and whine about, I swear. It’s just an itchy rash from the heat probably, no biggie.
The biggest biggie right now is that I got out of my habit of eating breakfast and now I’m back to the starving until noon or dinner thing. I lost ten pounds within just about two weeks when I started eating breakfast. It keeps me fuller through the morning and then I don’t overeat at night. But now, with my nerves messing with my stomach, I’m not hungry in the morning (or any other time really) and I’ve already gained back three and a half pounds just from going back to my bad eating habits.
How do you make yourself eat when it’s the last thing you want to do?! I don’t get it…I know the eating disorders I’ve had in the past could still be screwing with my head but it seems like it’s not a mental thing, it’s a physical thing. You know? I have no desire to eat until I’m so weak and feeling like I’m going to pass out, and even then it’s a struggle to swallow more than a bite or two.
The other thing is, the hives get worse when I get hot. So I’ve been avoiding working out because I don’t want to get even more itchy.
So between not eating, itching, and not feeling energized and accomplished from working out, I’m a complete mess of a fat blob right now.
Okay, I totally lied. I only came here to whine and cry so now I’m leaving…I’ll come back happier, I promise!