Realization of the year: I hate food
December 17, 2008 Leave a comment
I’ve blogged about this before, but I don’t know if it was here or on my old Myspace, and today this is what’s on my mind, so this is what you get.
I’ve been recording my daily weight and daily food intake since the 12th of November. What I’ve realized is that I honestly…really…truly…hate food. I hate thinking about what to eat, I hate buying things to eat, I hate cooking, I detest and loathe dishes because of the old food that’s on them…about the only part of eating I actually like is that sometimes it tastes really good.
This is why I eat out so often. I don’t have to really think about it; everywhere I go, I order either kids cheeseburger meals or tacos, so there’s no stress in deciding what to eat, and the preparing and the cleaning up is someone else’s job. So it takes the overwhelming anxiety away – no deciding what to make that will please everyone, no shopping for it, no cleaning up after it. Plus, if it’s burned or cold or tastes like junk, it’s not my fault, I didn’t cook it! Everyone can order whatever they want, so I don’t have to try to make eleven thousand other people (okay, two, but sometimes it feels like way more stress than two people are capable of creating) at once.
My weight isn’t going up, despite the fact that I eat out at least five times a week; it’s not going down either, obviously. This is why I’m fat…I could eat healthier and make better choices if I actually enjoyed food more.
Another reason why I’m fat…I hate food so much that on days when I’m not going anywhere, I honestly don’t eat until dinner time. By then I’m so starving that I overeat. Take today for example. I’ve been awake since before nine, and haven’t eaten anything at all, just had one cup of coffee. Of course the kid’s eaten; she gets out of bed and grabs an orange or makes a sandwich as soon as she’s hungry. It’s sad that by now she realizes I hate food so much that I literally can’t fix her breakfast without getting sick.
What the heck is going on? Is this some kind of mental block? Is it from my meds, or my metabolism being so messed up? Wish I knew so I could fix it, ’cause I’m really sure that this whole starving and overeating thing isn’t very good for a body. My close friend is a personal trainer and a nutrition expert and she keeps giving me wonderful advice when I ask for her help…but somehow, when it comes time to actually implementing said advice, I just can’t do it.
So, that’s the depressing thought for today. I’m off to try to clean out my car, take some personal time to do my own stuff, send a certified letter, start packing and spend the evening with my mother, and somewhere in all of that try to find the appetite to eat something here at home since I only have like six bucks to my name and can’t go out to eat on that…sigh. See ya later.