October 22, 2008 Leave a comment
What is it about seeing others going through the pregnancy experience that makes things so hard to take? I get it…I’m aware that another pregnancy could potentially kill me and more than likely wouldn’t end in success. I’ve accepted that and it’s all good.
Except when it’s not. Seeing S go through her pregnancy and now down to the last few weeks of waiting has been a lot harder on me than it was with M, probably because I was a lot busier in life then. Now all of my time seems split between extended family and baby stuff and cramming in schoolwork in every spare second. As the countdown to the finale begins everything feels like it’s slowing down. I can remember so clearly this same time in my life almost seven years ago, and somehow the burning pain isn’t any less than it was the day my doctor told me I couldn’t have any more babies, even after all this time. A while ago someone mentioned that we’d never talked about our futures and where having kids fit into it. I was surprised to realize that it’s always felt like such a cemented certainty to me that I hadn’t even mentioned it. It’s just the way it is, doesn’t seem worth talking about, but that was one of the defining moments of my life…when I realized that my future plans don’t exist because the future’s decision is already made.
But watching Eli kick my sister’s stomach makes that decision feel a lot less certain. Another baby would be the ultimate joy…maybe I should just bite the bullet and hope for the best…who knows.
Either way, the beginning of the end is here and soon we’ll be holding another sweet addition to the family. I can’t imagine anything being as awesome as Grace and Brookie, but I know holding a nephew will feel every bit as amazing…it’s getting so exciting!