It’s almost here!
October 17, 2008 Leave a comment
The dreaded baby shower, that is. I can’t wait for Saturday to get here and be done; on the other hand, I’m still waiting for whatever huge family drama will happen the second before guests start walking in the front door, so I’m kinda not wanting Saturday to get here at all.
I finished the baby blankets…the last one at 4 o’clock this morning. It took every last ounce of will power and determination in me to get it done, too; at nine o’clock that night, I told my husband, “I’m never sewing again, I’m done. Just give me some money and I’ll go buy them some presents.” He just raised his eyebrows and opened his wallet. I ignored it, of course, and went back to becoming best friends with my seam ripper. A million hours later I was done with it, and I swore sewing off again, and was still kicking myself in the butt for not grabbing his cash.
Fast forward twenty-ish hours and you’ll see what a liar I am, lol. I finished the quilted rug for my hallway floor about twenty minutes ago, so of course I’m back to sewing. After I laid it out in the hallway, though, I realized there are a few things I don’t like about it, so I’ll be tearing it apart and working on it again, but hopefully I can shut the OCD off about it until after the shower. I don’t think I’m up to making a hundred sandwiches, scrubbing every last inch of the house with a pregnant girl breathing down my neck, and yet another session with the seam ripper and tears and sweat. I do have limits, after all.
On another note I was reminded tonight of one of the worst memories of my entire life. It was about a day after my mom left us. She called me and told me to come home (I’d been living away from the house for almost two years at that point, so I was about 17 1/2) because I needed to stay with my sisters. When I got there she drove away. She wouldn’t say where she was going or when she’d be back, just that she had to go, that she needed her own life and couldn’t live with my dad anymore, and that if she stayed somewhere too close she’d just end up coming back. I guess I knew even then that she was never coming back in the same way, but it didn’t feel real. I kept waiting for things to go back to normal. I don’t think they ever have.
I can’t remember what I had to eat for breakfast this afternoon (lol) but I can still remember what I was wearing, what my boyfriend was wearing, what my sisters were doing when I walked in the house and she walked out. It was the strangest feeling. I was relieved to see her go, glad the abuse was finally over (little did I know the worst was yet to come) but I was so angry with her and so heartbroken over it all that I just couldn’t decide what to feel. So I did what I always did when things got really bad, I got loaded and went to bed.
The next morning felt like the beginning of a new life, for me anyway. For my eight year old sister and my dad it was the most painful day ever. I felt guilty for being okay with the fact that she wasn’t coming back. We hadn’t heard a word from her yet and I was beginning to think we never would again. Then, that evening, she called, and when I heard her voice I was so confused again, because all of a sudden I wasn’t glad she was gone or angry with her or anything else – I just wanted my mom. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that feeling again to this day, that deep gut wrenching feeling of longing and desperation to be with that person. All of a sudden, I just wanted to hug my mom and tell her I loved her and make her happy and make her be nice to us.
That the was the last time i ever asked my mom for anything. I begged her to tell me where she was, so I could get on a bus and go find her and be with her. I begged her to let me come with her. I promised her I’d leave everything I had and never look back, not for my sisters or my boyfriend or anything else. She hung up on me. And I realize now that that was the best thing she could have done for me, ever. If I’d really left home like she had and turned my back on everyone, I would never have forgiven myself, and I’m glad that didn’t happen.
Those two days were the worst of my life. I’d rather be hit or sleep under a bridge again than live through that kind of pain or put those I love through it.
I don’t believe in fate or things working out the way they’re “supposed to” or any of that stuff, but looking back on it, I do think my mom made the decision that changed the course of what my life could have been. I’m really really grateful to her for that. With the new baby coming and my kid getting older and time slipping away so fast, it’s sometimes hard to think about what the past was like and what the future could have been like…in this second, in this moment, in this day, I’m glad things are exactly the way they are, even though they are as far from perfect as you can get.
Except for the fact that I’m falling asleep at the keyboard now…I’m not liking that, so I’m going to go fix it now. :0)